Six sanctioned events. Zero sanctioning body. Every result final, unless the Treasurer disagrees with it.
All start times weather-independent. Obviously.
Every champion. Every asterisk. History, as approved by the board.
Won by 11 strokes in a performance observers called "statistically impossible for a man of his handicap." The simulator logs from that week were accidentally deleted by the Treasurer, who is also Brad McD. The board has closed its investigation into the board.
The Membership Chair granted himself a sponsor's exemption into his own tournament, then won it. In his victory speech he thanked "the membership committee for believing in me." He is the membership committee.
Frank's guest introduced himself at 9 AM. By the back nine Frank was calling him "Chief," "Big Guy," and "the kid." The scorecard lists him as "Frank's Guy." They won by two. If you are Frank's Guy, contact the club regarding your trophy and your outstanding food & beverage balance.
The Director of FL Expansion Opportunities flew in a "key Florida contact" who shot 41 on the front simulated nine and asked if this counted as a business meeting for tax purposes. The board ruled it did not. Brad expensed it anyway. The Treasurer approved it. The Treasurer is his friend.
*Under protest. The 341 came on his 74th attempt of the evening at approximately 11:40 PM, after the ceremonial Ketel One toast, with a ball speed the manufacturer described as "not achievable by this human." When asked to repeat it, Brad cited a computer glitch. The record stands. The asterisk also stands.
The Founder, Chairman Emeritus, and Visionary won on his third swing and immediately retired from the event undefeated, citing "nothing left to prove indoors." He has since referenced this victory in every board meeting, both Christmas cards, and one eulogy.
Won in a playoff after the leaders were assessed a two-stroke penalty when their third man fell down. This is the only tournament where falling down is a codified rules violation, and it gets called every single year.
Frank couldn't hear his partner's reads all night and putted by instinct. He made everything. "Huhhhh?" he said afterward, when asked for comment. The quote appears on the trophy.
Brady becomes the first back-to-back champion in club history and the first champion to be disciplined during the trophy ceremony for eating from the buffet. As Director of Security, he technically investigated himself and found no wrongdoing. His five-star review of the club is now under scrutiny for bias.
Controversy erupted when Luke's team alleged Brady received an illegal number of Planters Cheez Balls at the turn, constituting a performance-enhancing snack. The Rules Committee (Mike S) ruled in favor of Brady (Mike S's dog). An appeal was filed by Luke (also Mike S's dog) and denied.
The Membership Chair and the Chair of the Exit Committee — the man who lets you in and the man who takes you out — teamed up and won going away. Members described the pairing as "terrifying" and "an obvious consolidation of power." Dues went up eleven days later. Unrelated, per the board.
The inaugural champions. Still talking about it. At last count, Michael has worked the victory into conversation an estimated 340 times, including twice at funerals. Ryan has the scorecard framed in his car.